im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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