I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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