ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
