I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
