meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Holy sore nipples Batman
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
