Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
