I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
