Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
