I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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