Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
