a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
