I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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