Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
