true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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