I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
