she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
