if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
