I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
