We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
