I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
