I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Even my vagina gasped.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
