i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
