Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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