Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
