I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
