So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
