You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
