hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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