I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
