ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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