so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
