If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
