My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
