Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
