I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
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Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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