when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
