If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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