then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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