I hate your face
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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