He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
