My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
