Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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