I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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