I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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