I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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