the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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