Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex on a dog bed..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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