I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
