Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
