When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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