Your face is a jimmy john
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
