There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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