I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
