I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
