Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
