Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Boobs speak an international language.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
